


New Home

by Janamelie



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My version of what happened when Jim and Bexley, Dave Lister's twin sons, went to live with their "Dad" Deb in the female-dominated parallel universe.  Gen on the surface, but very much written from the perspective that Deb and Arlene (much like Dave and Arnold) have subconscious feelings for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually post incomplete works here, but the idea is to motivate myself to continue with this. ;)

"I just cannot believe the cheek of it." 

Arlene Rimmer paced up and down, punctuating her rant with annoyed hand gestures.

Kryta paused in the making up of two beds and regarded the hologram, puzzled.

"I don't understand, ma'am.  Are you referring to Mr Lister's request that our Ms Lister look after their children from now on?  Didn't Ms Lister explain to you?  There's really no alternative."

Arlene had the grace to look slightly ashamed.  "No, not that, you stupid mechanoid.  It's the fact that she didn't ask me first."

"Is it customary in human circles to consult your bunkmate on such matters, ma'am?  It's not as though the boys will be living in the same room."

Arlene spluttered with indignation.  "That's beside the point!  Much though I despair to have to say it, we're a team here.  If we're to have any chance of finding Earth, we need to observe protocol and discuss matters like these in a formal meeting.  With minutes, agendas and speeches."  A slightly dreamy look appeared on her face. 

"Begging your pardon ma'am, but have we ever done that before?"

Arlene sighed.  "Alright, point taken.  Let me put it another way.  Why didn't she consider how **I** might feel having two boys - teenagers, no less - foisted on me?  And you and Dog, I suppose."

"I'm delighted to have more humans to look after, ma'am.  And Dog's looking forward to playing fetch with them."

Arlene made an exasperated noise.  "Why am I talking to a robot about human etiquette?  You couldn't possibly understand.  Tell Lister I'm keeping well out of it until the brats are settled in.  I think another tour of the diesel decks is in order."

She turned smartly on her heel and made an ostentatious exit.

Kryta shook her head.  She wasn't sure whether most humans behaved like this or just Ms Rimmer.  She was inclined to think the latter.

 

 

Deb Lister cleared her throat awkwardly.  Jim and Bexley reluctantly turned away from the window through which they had been watching their father's ship trundling back to his Red Dwarf.  **Their** Red Dwarf, she reminded herself quickly.  It was where they'd been born and spent all of their brief existence up to now.  It was all they knew.

_This ship's nearly the same, though.  That'll help, won't it?_

"Do you want to come and see your new room now?"

The one she'd just been introduced to as Jim - who bore a startling resemblance to Dave as he must have looked as a teenager - shook his head.  Bexley explained politely: "We'd like to watch Red Dwarf until...until..."

"Of course.  No big deal."

 

 

It seemed a long time later to Deb as she led the way to the room Kryta had spent hours lovingly preparing.

"What do you think?  We thought you'd like to share, but if not Kryta can get another room ready in no time."

"It's nice," Bexley offered.  "And we do want to share, don't we, Jim?"

His twin nodded.  "I like these Zero-G posters.  But why are they all women?"

Deb looked more closely at the London Jets T-shirts both boys wore.  _Obvious when you think about it, I s'pose._

"Did your Dad get a chance to explain to you what makes this universe different from his?"

Jim shrugged.  "Not really, there wasn't time.  He was panicking because we were growing so quickly.  All he said was we had to live here so we can age at a normal rate."

Kryta bustled in with a tea tray.  "I thought you and the young sirs might appreciate some refreshments, ma'am."

Deb grinned.  "You thought right."

 

 

As the boys helped themselves, she asked a few careful questions, not wanting to upset them.  Dave had told her privately that their accelerated physical growth had been matched by their mental and psychological maturing.  For all intents and purposes, they were adults.  But adults who had only been alive for three days.

_And teenagers at that.  Smeg, when I think what I was like at that age..._

She tried to banish memories of boozy nights spent mooching around Liverpool or shagging one of her boyfriends.  She had to try to be a role model now.  _Role model?_   She made a face.  _I sound like Rimmer.  And where is she, anyway?_

 

 

Arlene turned round in surprise as Dog ran panting up to her.  "Not now, Dog.  I'm on holiday for the next few days.  Didn't Kryta tell you?"

The canine humanoid nodded.  "But Lister sent me after you.  She said she needs all the help she can get dealing with her two new pups."

Arlene frowned.  "Lister said she needed me?  I don't believe you."

"Yes, she did.  She said she needs you because although you're a git, you're a git who enjoys organising things.  She's trying to work out a plan for teaching the kids how to read and write."

"They can't - oh no, I suppose not."

Dog smiled hopefully at her.  "So you'll come back and help?"  If the creature had had a tail, it would have been wagging, Arlene thought irritably.

"Well..."

A guilty look appeared on Dog's bearded face.  "She also said if you don't muck in and do your bit, she'll move all your crap to another room."  He lowered his gaze and looked shifty.

"What?!  How dare she?!"

Arlene began walking rapidly back the way she had just come.  "No Third Technician is going to throw me, Second Technician Arlene Rimmer, out of the room I was assigned by the Space Corps!"

As she broke into a run, she added: "I'd charge her with mutiny if there was anyone left alive to report her to."

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Deb ran an impatient hand through her locks. "Run that by me again, Krytes."

"I've consulted with Hilly, ma'am, and she's not aware of any suitable materials on board. After all, Red Dwarf was never designed to have children as passengers."

"Yeah, but I know some of the crew had kids back on Earth. Or Jupiter, Titan, wherever," she added as Rimmer's eyebrows rose. "There must've been **someone** who bought kids' books on planet leave. We're just gonna have to search."

"What about Todhunter? I saw a photo once. Trophy husband if ever there was one."

"Right, Todhunter! I knew that, too. OK, we'll start with her quarters."

"I'll go with you."

Lister knew why Rimmer was so keen. Any excuse to rummage through the personal possessions of the officer she'd resented for her upper-class background and all round competence.

_Good thing she can't rummage, or I'd be stopping her opening letters and underwear drawers. Nosy smegger._

 

"I don't think Aunt Arlene likes us much. She looked at us like we're-" Jim cast around for an insult, then fell back on the only one he knew. "Smeg."

"She doesn't seem to like anyone much though. I don't think she's very happy."

"What makes you think that?"

"She's like Uncle Arnold. Let's have this one." Bexley passed his twin a vid labelled "London Jets 2174 - 2175 Season - Part 1".

"Do you need help with that, sirs?"

"No, thanks," Jim replied as he pressed "Play" and the recording began.

Bexley smiled at Kryta's expression. "We learnt how to do that yesterday. Dad showed us to keep us busy while he was figuring out what to do with us."

"I'm sure your father meant well-"

" 'Course he did. We don't blame him. He was really cut up about us leaving."

Jim nodded sombrely. "It was awful."

Not for the first time, Kryta wished her creator had seen fit to include more explanation of human emotions in her programming. Awkwardly, she extended her arms and offered the nearest twin a hug.

 

"What about Dog's books?"

"I'm saving them as a last resort. I want Jim and Bex to be able to read the human way."

"What difference does it make? There's no-one around to look down on them for it, apart from me." Arlene smirked.

"But there will be one day, smeghead. When we find Earth - I said **when** \- I don't want people treating them like freaks."

"They're your sons, Lister. I'd say that's a lost cause."

"Git. I'm warning you, if you start messing with their heads, I'll chuck your stuff out. Might even throw it out of an airlock if you don't keep to your side of the bargain."

Rimmer smoothed down her curls to hide her alarm. "Calm down, Listy. I was just pulling your leg."

Deb sighed. "You shouldn't need threatening to treat kids well, y'know."

"Firstly, they're not technically children any longer. Secondly, nobody gave me special treatment when I was a child."

"And look how you turned out," Deb retorted to herself, biting her tongue to keep from speaking aloud. Tempting though it was, she was trying to get Rimmer on side here. Having a full-on barney wouldn't help.

 

"Smeg, these're posh digs."

"Haven't you seen First Officer quarters before? I thought you snooped about when you caught that mutated flu virus."

"I didn't snoop! I only went in Kochanski's room. It wasn't like this. He was a Third Officer though. Didn't realise even the officers had better rooms the higher they went."

"Of course, Listy. That's how it works. Looking up to your superiors, looking down on your inferiors. Respecting the chain of command." The hologram inspected herself in the ornately framed full length mirror and brushed some imaginary fluff from her uniform. Satisfied, she saluted her reflection.

"Up the zig-thing," Deb muttered under her breath as she gingerly opened a drawer which didn't look likely to contain anything too private. It didn't, but also nothing helpful.

"This is giving me the creeps. That's why I didn't come here before. It's all just as she left it."

"Obviously. Look at this - I think this is the picture I saw before. She was waving it around, making sure everyone knew what a looker she'd married. People like her get all the breaks."

"Rimmer, she's **dead**! So's her hubby, her kid, and everyone else she knew. Having a "nobby background" didn't save her life, did it?"

Startled at Deb's tone, the older woman flushed. "She knew you," was her feeble rejoinder.

Deb turned her back in disgust and opened the next drawer.

 _Goit. What_ _does_ _she_ _know? She wouldn't recognise ambition if it ... if it..._ Unable to think of a way to finish the thought, Rimmer fumed silently until Lister exclaimed triumphantly. "Jackpot!" She upended the contents of a canvas shop bag onto the thick carpet. Several brightly coloured books with one-word titles such as "Helicopters", "Ballet" and "Space" fanned across the floor.

"Perfect. Once Jim and Bex've got the basics, they should be able to more or less teach themselves. That's what Kryta reckons, anyway. Hey, there's even one about Zero-G!"

"You can brush up your own reading skills, then."

Deb was too pleased to do more than roll her eyes.


End file.
